TANTRUMS {part two}

If you missed my first installment, welcome, and click here to read it.

Moms and dads...I couldn't make this section shorter...so grab that cuppa again and read on...

Why do toddlers tantrum?

Toddlers do not yet have the emotional maturity to express what they are feeling. This is even true of a toddler who is verbally strong. They have high energy to express themselves, without the ability to do it effectively, which leads to high levels of frustration. They have wants that they can’t really express yet. 

There are plenty of reasons that toddlers have tantrums. Some of those reasons are simply the product of their age and season (e.g. they don’t like to be told “no” no matter how firmly, angrily, gently, lovingly or empathically you do it) and this can sometimes feel irrational to us adults. Sometimes, it is because of the approach being used with them - when a toddler feels anxious about using the loo, for instance, she might explode in a tantrum instead of giving a clear explanation of her fears. Others times, tantrums are rooted within their family system (such as sibling rivalry, feelings of being unloved, marital discord, criticism, neglect, over-protecting etc). And at other times, it is environmental (such as at the start of preschool when there is just so much to cope with at once).

Some children seem more prone to tantrums than others and if you are one of those moms whose kid has them, don’t feel alone, because some temperaments are simply more prone to them. 

Is there a “best way” to deal with a tantrum?

The psychologist in me feels the need to provide a step-by-step answer for parents to help them with tantrums. But, the mother in me believes that ultimately every child is different; and as parents, our role is to work out what is at the root of the tantrums. If it is “just because they are three” then there are tips to follow that will help minimise the tantrums; but if it is more systemic than that, we have to get to the root and begin to make some practical changes. 

But for those of you who are wanting a step-by-step approach, I would suggest this:

First.

Have an action plan that you follow every time (made up of a collection of the tips below - be aware that these might need to change and shift as you go). Be on the same page as your partner.

Second.

Ensure your child’s safety during a tantrum/meltdown 

Thirdly.

Once things have calmed down, explain your position simply and succinctly (“I understand that you wanted to play with your train, but it is lunch time and I asked you to come and sit at the table. Do you understand?”). Get at eye level, talk in a non-threatening tone. Apologise if you feel that you overstepped boundaries and frightened your child with your own anger. 

Finally.

Give a kiss and a cuddle to restore peace. And try to make them laugh to relieve their emotional tension.

Let's talk about tantrum tools

Tantrums are a normal reaction for toddlers, but it is possible to minimise them. We went through a 2 week period where our toddler was throwing tantrums multiple times a day, every day, for about 2 weeks. I lost the plot multiple times and had to regroup often. These are the tools I made use of and that I have found effective. I learn more every day. I think it is worth noting here that possibly the most important thing is not what you do, but rather that you are consistent and stand your ground. 

Deal with your own anger

It is impossible to expect a 2 year old to be better at dealing with their anger than you in your adulthood. So, take a long hard look at the triggers that set you off and try to be better at remaining calm.

Learn not to join the chaos.

It is your job as the parent to help them navigate the moment. Be a good example of that and do what you need to do to deal with your side of things. Apologise when necessary.

Nourish them

I’ve recently come across the term “after school restraint collapse” which refers to the crazy behaviour that sometimes takes over after the school pick up. A drink, a snack and some quiet time to decompress from the day go a long way to reduce tantrum triggers in some toddlers at certain times. 

Teach them feeling words

From when they can start to talk, teach them feeling words. Use tools like books, stickers, magnets, puzzles, dolls, flashcards and music to teach feelings to little people. This can be so empowering and even if they don’t use the words correctly, they will begin to feel like they are expressing themselves. My 2 year old says, “mom I am feeling frustrated about that” which helps me to understand her so much more. 

Learn to redirect

This strategy sometimes feels like you are just avoiding the conflict by brushing over it, but if done effectively you are dissipating unnecessary tension, not ignoring it. A lot of the time, toddlers are feeling big emotions about things that aren’t big problems so redirecting them is in their best interest. 

For instance, my toddler has thrown a tantrum over me doing something she has just asked me to do (a quick Google search for memes on tantrums makes me realise I am not alone in this!). In that moment, she is confused and that is frustrating for her. A quick funny dance move from me and a shocked look on my face can cause her to erupt into laughter and just like that, the moment is over and we move on. This is not rewarding negative behaviour, but rather helping her to push past it more effectively. 

Another redirecting strategy that is often effective is to give choices rather than ultimatums. “Would you like to use the loo in this bathroom or that one before we go have a nap?” In our home, it is part of our routine to have a visit to the loo before nap time when potty training. So rather than make her feel trapped, we have started framing things in a way that helps her to feel ownership of the moment. Helping toddlers to feel empowered goes a long way to avoid tantrums. 

It seems to me that toddlers don’t always respond well to abrupt changes. So, another strategy that broadly falls into this category is counting down - providing plenty of warning that the next thing is about to happen: “Ok, you can jump 5 more times and then it is nap time…five….four…three…last two….last one…ok, let’s go …nap time!” 

Ignore the tantrum

Another effective strategy is to actively ignore the undesired behaviour. It is amazing how this actually works, often when least expected. To actively ignore, you carry on doing other things away from the toddler having their tantrum with a normal disposition (e.g. you walk away to the kitchen and carry on clearing dishes, have a conversation with your hubby and start making coffee for yourself).

Accept emotions

As parents, especially if it is our first child, we get scared of negative emotions and maybe give them more meaning than they deserve. “I must be doing this wrong” or “what is wrong with him that he gets so cross over nothing” are two common strands of thought. And we find ourselves saying things like, “this behaviour is unacceptable” and “we do not do tantrums in our family.” And those statements are true and have their place. But after trying that route with my toddler, and not succeeding, it made me reach out to find a different route for my little toddler. A friend said to me, “I am 35 and I can’t keep my emotions in check all the time. How could I possibly expect my toddler to do something I can’t even do?” 

Instead of being scared of the cascading emotions, what if we tell the toddler that it is ok to feel the way they do for a moment (see house rules below)? What if we tell them that they can tantrum in their rooms until they feel better, and then come back to the family space when they are ready? Giving emotions space to exist doesn’t validate negative behaviour. But it does teach children to be in touch with their emotions, and to begin the process of managing them. It also sends a powerful message: “I accept you and love you even when you feel out of control.” Since trying this, I have seen a positive change in my toddler (and my own acceptance of her big emotions).

It is a powerful tool to live empathically with toddlers. When irrational toddler logic strikes, it feels impossible to remain calm sometimes. But taking a moment to express to your child that you can see they are feeling a big emotion and that it must be difficult for them, can sometimes bring calm instantly.

“I can see that you are angry that he took your car. It is really difficult to share, isn’t it?”

Avoid shaming

Avoid heaping shame on your toddler for their emotions or their actions. I actually find this one harder than expected, because of my own expectations. Our little toddlers are still so little, and whilst we must expect them to be polite and kind and all those good things, they are still learning how to be all those things. Sometimes some perspective is all we need to simmer down our own reactions to behaviour, and thereby avoid a tantrum.  What has really helped me here is to pause before I react. Sometimes literally taking a breath in a potentially volatile moment helps me to avoid a knee-jerk tantrum-inducing reaction. And as I’m exhaling, the kids have resolved the issue without a tantrum or my interference. 

Reduce the rush

Our lives are so rushed, every single day. It is only getting worse and we don’t even have time to slow down. But, it is 2019 and a new year and perhaps we need to find a bit more breathing room in our lives. When there is less stress trying to get a toddler dressed and into the car for school, there is less chance of a tantrum erupting. So, look for ways to simplify, to be more organised and to reduce the rush in your lives. Perhaps we need a post on top tips on how to do this next?

Look for moments to connect

Always remember that toddlers are only a few years into their lives and whilst they are growing in independence at a phenomenal rate (thank goodness for that!), they still need us. They really do still need us. And sometimes a little snuggle tops up an empty love tank. Find time to  compliment them and tell them how proud of them you are.

Here is a personal example

For our little toddler (almost 3y old), I believe that the root of the tantrum chaos a few weeks back was all tied in with starting school. She loves it, but it is a massive adjustment for any little soul and suddenly, a new routine threw things out of sync for a few weeks. She was refusing to do most things that were a normal part of our routine and I lost the plot a few times. She had a few tantrums that escalated into meltdowns and they were really tough. So I made most of the changes above, the most significant being:

1) I adjusted my attitude and dealt with my knee-jerk reactions 

2) I gave her a snack and cold drink in the car as soon as I picked her up from school 

3) I gave her some time to decompress from the hectic school day and some one-on-one time as we got home (for us, this was a few moments on the trampoline before heading inside to say hi to little bro). I made sure I had connected with her heart. 

4) I learnt how to speak firmly, with conviction, without sounding like a dragon.

As I said before: 

I think it is worth noting here that possibly the most important thing is not what you do, but rather that you are consistent and stand your ground as a parent. My advice would be to pick at least 2 strategies that you feel comfortable to implement and do them unwaveringly. 

For the third and final post in the series on {When to seek help} click here. 

NOTE: This blog post is not intended to diagnose or provide professional help. Please contact me or your nearest health care provider for assistance if needed. This article is a collection of thoughts, intended to support moms and dads in their parenting journey. It is not a complete reflection of the body of information out there on tantrums, but only a subjective portion thereof. 

Sources: 

Fetsch, R.J. & Jacobson, B. (date unkown). Children’s anger and tantrums. Retrieved January 2019 from

https://extension.colostate.edu/docs/pubs/consumer/10248.pdf

Morin, A. (date unknown). The difference between tantrums and sensory overload. Retrieved February 2019 from https://www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/sensory-processing-issues/the-difference-between-tantrums-and-sensory-meltdowns 

Tantrums: why they happen and how to respond. Retrieved January 2019 from

https://raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/behaviour/crying-tantrums/tantrums

Chang, L. (2007). Tantrum Red Flags. Retrieved February 2019 from

https://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20071219/5-tantrum-red-flags#2